Jiddu Krishnamurti-The Anguish of Wanting Love From Another and To Be Free From It

Ah this. I long to be loved. And it is a constant anguish. What am I to do? Is the question all right? I long to be loved. And it is a constant anguish. What am I to do?

Aren’t most of us in this position? We all want to be loved, especially by what? Now let’s go into this. I have got quarter of an hour. It is a very complex question.

Why do we want to be loved? And why has it become anguish, an anguish? What is the cause, the root, or the motive, wanting to be loved? Do you understand my question? I want to be loved by you – god forbid – but I want to be loved by you. Why? Is it I am lonely? Is it that I feel if I am not loved I have no raison d’etre to live? Is it that if I am loved, I feel I can flower, grow, be happy and all that? Right?

Is it that in myself I am nothing but when you love me I become something? You are following all this? Please this is your life, not my life. So please listen to this. So there is a cause which makes me say, “I want your love” – right? There is a cause, there is a motive, there is a background which says, “I must have that” – right? So we have seen some of the causes. I am desperately lonely. You all know that, don’t you? Married, unmarried, whether you are amongst a group and so on, human beings through their self-centred activity bring about loneliness. Right? Is that one of the causes of the desire to be loved? As long as there is a cause the effect is to demand that you should love me – right? So can I understand the cause and be free of the cause? You have understood what I have been saying? Please sir, this is your life.

I am lonely, depressed, isolated and feel desperately unhappy, and if you love me I will say, “By Jove, everything is so beautiful”. So my demand, my desire, my longing, is based on loneliness, demand for companionship, with whom I can talk, unfold and all the rest of it. So there is a cause – right? Now do I see the cause, actually? The cause is I am lonely. I am taking that one instance. I am lonely. And I want you to love me for god’s sake. And you don’t. You turn away from me. Either I commit suicide – right? Or I become full of anxiety – right? Depressed, more depressed than ever. I then escape from myself – football, church, new guru, or the latest literature, or the latest picture, talk about it – right? So is the cause of loneliness seen? Loneliness is a sense of isolation – right? The isolation comes into being as long as I am self-centred, thinking about myself, I am unhappy, I want you to love me – you follow? I have reduced all my life, which is such an extraordinary thing, to a small affair, that you love me. You understand? Such a petty little affair I have reduced it to. And being isolated I am unhappy and I wish you, I crave for you to love me. (Fly settles on K’s face) This particular fly is fond of me! (Laughter)

You understand? See the tremendous complexity of a very simple question. I want to be loved and I am not loved therefore I am full of anxiety. And the questioner says, “What am I to do?”. When the brain is caught in such anxiety, such anguish, it can’t think clearly, can it? Right? It can’t even listen it is so full of its own anxiety, its own sense of desperation. Now can there be an interval in which you listen? You understand? A short period in which you say, “Tell me about it” and then will you listen? Or will you say, “No, I don’t want to listen because I still love being in a tremendous state of anxiety” – you understand what I am saying? Most people do. Without that sense of anguish you are nothing. That sense of anguish keeps you alive – no? Oh come on sirs, this is all ordinary psychology, childish psychology. So will you, if you are in such anguish, for a few minutes, listen to what is being said? Or you love your anguish so much you don’t want to listen?

So as we were saying the other day, if you really listen, with your heart, with your mind, with all your being, then you have a space, your brain becomes quiet, then you listen. Then that very listening is like a seed that is being sown, then you don’t have to do a thing, it then grows, multiplies. And when you understand love is not something to be asked for you don’t stretch out your hand to be loved. That means that you are dependent on somebody. That means you really don’t love at all. If you are asking another to be loved, if you are asking to be loved by another, it means you have no love in yourself. It is so obvious. If you have love, you don’t ask anybody that you be loved. You see we are making ourselves into beggars. That is what is happening. When you go to church, pray, we are beggars. When we want somebody to help us, we are beggars. Or when we depend on books we are beggars. It may be all right to be a beggar but see the consequences of it: you are always depending on somebody else. And there are all those people who will help you fill your bowl full of their rubbish.

So see what has taken place when we hear this question: I want to be loved, and I am not, I live in great anguish, what am I to do? That means one has no love in oneself. Then how can another love you – you understand? If you have no love and you are incapable then of receiving love – you understand? Love is not a vacuum, like a sense of emptiness. On the contrary. If you have that tremendous feeling – not feeling – a quality, a depth, a beauty, then you don’t ask anybody for love. It is like a cup being full. Right? If you have listened to this very carefully, then the problem is gone.

Post Author: Chad

A citizen of the universe. A student of life and death.