The problem is always that we mistake the idea of love for attachment. You know, we imagine that the grasping and clinging that we have in our relationships shows that we love, where as actually it is just attachment, which causes pain. You know, because the more we grasp, the more we are afraid to lose, then if we do lose, then of course we are going to suffer.
Attachment says: you know I love you, therefore I want you to make me happy.
Genuine love says: I love you, therefore I want you to be happy. If that includes me, great. If it doesn’t include me, I just want your happiness.
And so it’s a very different feeling. Attachment is like holding very tight, but genuine love is like holding very gently, nurturing, but allowing things to flow, not to be held tightly.
The more tight we hold on to others the more we will suffer. But it’s very hard for people to understand that, because they think that the more they hold on to someone, the more it shows that they care about them, but it’s not. Its really just that they’re holding and grasping so tightly because they are afraid that they themselves will be hurt. Any kind of relationship which imagines that we can fulfill ourselves through another is bound to be very tricky.
I mean, ideally people should come together already feeling fulfilled within themselves, and thus just appreciating that in the other. Rather that expecting the other to supply that sense of well-being, which they don’t feel on their own. Then there’s a lot of problems. And also along with the projection which comes with romance where we project all our ideas, ideals, and desires, and romantic fantasies onto the other which the other can not possibly fulfill. Once you get to know them, you realize that it’s not prince charming or cinderella. It’s just a very ordinary person who’s also struggling and unless one is able to see them with, to like them as well as feel desire for them, and to also have loving kindness and compassion, then, it’s going to be a very difficult relationship.